Losing Control
by NCISCastle-x
Summary: Ziva David is an Israeli ninja, presented with all sorts of challenges she never expected to face. She's not as strong as she once was, but will she break or will she fight? Faced with unexpected feelings, will she finally let someone in close to her heart or trap them out as she was taught. Set after season 5, hope you all like it. Eventual Zibbs
1. The Truth

The sky outside was finally settling into a dusk grey colour, the sun barely visible over the horizon, with a flash of orange coursing through the dull coloured background. As the sun settled, the lamps became brighter in the squad room illuminating the tired agents' faces, telling them with each minute that passed by that it was getting later and later. The week had dragged on and had made the agents of team Gibbs, making them wish that they had the full 48 hours off instead of only 24 hours; still, they had promised to work Sunday which allowed them to gain a favour from another team.

Despite that, they had made plans to treasure their single day off. Tony, seeing that it was Friday after all, had convinced McGee to go to a bar and play his wing-man. Now he was also trying to find out any plans that his Israeli ninja friend may have made for the evening.

"C'mon Ziva, Ziva! It's Friday!"

"Yes, thank you, Tony, but I am perfectly aware of what day it is. And no, I will not tell you all about my plans for tonight" snapped Ziva, who was by now getting annoyed with the male population - which however didn't stop her from slightly blushing (but quickly suppressing any other reaction) when Gibbs shot a curious glance her way.

"Aw come on Zivaaaa", Tony pouted, dragging out her name, which caused her to quickly glance up from the computer screen, only to see Tony hunched over his desk, head faced down with his cheek touching the smooth surface. Before huffing and focusing back to her work she furtively glanced towards Gibbs, who was intently listening but trying hard not to show it.

Just then Abby walked into the bullpen sensing the tension between the young agents whilst Gibbs sat there trying to hide a smirk. Her hanging chains were clinking from her waist against her legs as she walked and then stopped abruptly in front of Ziva's desk.

"Ready to go, Ziva?" Abby cheerfully questioned, twisting her ponytails around her fingers.

"Not yet, Abby, I still need to finish these reports" Ziva glumly said whilst typing furiously, risking another look towards Gibbs - only to see him staring at her intently, causing her to blush once more. Again suppressing it to hide her deep feelings for the man she shouldn't have any unprofessional feelings for, she needed to get off the train of thought she was on, especially in front of the object of said thoughts. She quickly stuck her tongue out at Tony, who now had a satisfied smirk on his face as if he accomplished something extraordinary, then looked back at her computer screen before making a split second decision.

She stood up quickly trying to hide her red cheeks that were still threatening to give her away. "Alright, Abby, I'll finish them on Sunday." She quickly rushed, smoothly grabbing her stuff without looking, again not looking at Gibbs. "Is that ok, Gibbs?" Averting her eyes so she wouldn't meet his again (as she was sure he was staring at her again), she stalked off after hearing his quick grunted approval, with Abby hot on her trail; Gibbs was left more confused than before, as to what the cause for the sudden mood change was, and why she wouldn't look him in the eye anymore.

Slamming the down button of the elevator, she got out a loud goodbye to the team while still not looking at Gibbs. As she quickly entered the elevator, she felt his intent gaze burning in her neck - and only when she was out of sight Gibbs focused back on his own work.

-xxxxxxxx-

It wasn't until 22.43 that Gibbs finally entered his basement, pouring himself a bourbon before starting on his new boat. He had finally finished The Kelly and got her out of the basement and into a harbour where his friend had given him a discount to keep her there ready to sail whenever he wanted. He had planned on taking her to Mexico to see Mike and to leave her there for Layla who he knew would appreciate the gesture and when Amira was older it would be given to her, thinking that Mike would after all teach her to sail. After all it was the least he could do!

The only problem was he didn't know when he would go, not wanting to worry the team by taking time off, nor did he want to leave Ziva especially with how she's been acting over the last few months.

This now meant that he had to start all over again, he had already been to store and gotten all the equipment that he needed to be able to do this correctly, he was fully stocked up on bourbon for the task so there was nothing stopping him.

Except for the fact he couldn't get Ziva out of his head, her mood the past few months had been unpredictable, one moment she would be on top of the world or at least she had been acting it, for all he knew she could have been pretending after all that is what she was brought up to do, ignore emotions, but then something would happen or someone would say something and her face would become unreadable, her eyes vacant, distant, always plastering a smile to her face whenever this happened, other people may accept it but not him, he could see that it was fake and that she wasn't really there with them. Gibbs simply didn't know how to bring her back to them, back to him. But what could he do, he knew he had feelings that he shouldn't have, he can't help it right?

"Yeah you keep telling yourself" Gibbs pondered aloud, briefly shaking head as if he was insane. 'Great now you're talking to yourself, you really need to get a grip, push the feeling aside and get on with it. Accept that she would never feel the same, I mean seriously why would she like someone like me' Gibbs thought to himself. Once again annoyed, he downed the last shot of his bourbon, poured himself another glass set it aside and started to work on his new boat.

-xxxxxxxx-

"Ziva, hunny, are you okay? You've been in there a while" stated a worried Abby. Ziva who had locked herself in Abby bathroom at her apartment had been in there for over half an hour. Ziva had darted in their whilst watching their movie, it had gotten a bit jumpy and part way through a gun battle which made Ziva pelt off towards the bathroom muttering something about her stomach. Little did Abby know what Ziva really felt.

'Just breathe, in and out, that's it, in and out' Ziva thought to herself, desperately trying to keep her mind sane. The sudden banging of the door and the melodic sound of her Goth friend made her jump for her life. Trying hard to compose herself and keep her face expressionless so that she didn't give anything away to anyone.

After a couple of minutes Abby thought she wasn't going to get answer, in the time Ziva managed to get herself back under control, lock her emotions away Abby had gone and made them both a hot drink, a coffee for herself and a cup of tea for Ziva and was once again stood outside the bathroom door waiting for her friend to come out.

They had spent the night in her apartment per Abby's request for a girlie night knowing that she could have gone out with McGee or Tony instead but wanting to spend more time with Ziva. They had spent the evening having a gossip about the people they worked with, who Abby was currently in to and much to Ziva's liking she had started to develop deeper feelings to McGee again, carefully avoiding any topic which may relate in any way to family or a certain few foreign countries Abby thought it had gone smoothly. That was until they had picked the movie, the wrong movie she thought. How could she be so stupid?

She had also noticed the change in Ziva's behavior in the last few months... since Somalia. But since she had covered it so well when she got back it hadn't caused anyone concern, wanting to forget everything that had happened the team allowed it. But what if she hadn't really forgotten it, what if she just buried it and now it's coming back to haunt her.

The sound of the bathroom door clicking open got Abby's attention back towards where it was supposed to be, still deliberating whether to call Gibbs or Tony knowing full well they would come to Abby's help and Ziva's rescue, but not wanting to draw more attention to Ziva she decided to let her come out in her own time, having said that she was getting worried.

"I am fine Abby. Thank you" Ziva innocently said whilst grabbing her cup of tea off Abby. "Just an upset stomach" she looked towards Abby, her expressionless eyes giving nothing away. "I better be on my way" she announced suddenly, simply wanting to get far away as she could, she didn't want to be the centre of all the questions that she knew her Goth friend would throw at her.

Before Abby even got the chance to say anything Ziva had already taken a sip of her tea set the cup aside, grabbed her bag and headed towards the door, but before Ziva could leave she pulled her in for a hug, whispering in her ear, which only emerged fresh tears in Ziva's eyes before pulling away not making any eye contact with Abby, not letting her see how vulnerable she really was and practically stormed out of the apartment.

"I'm always here Zi"


	2. Let Me Save You

_**Hey guys... Happy new year :) Just wanted to say thankyou to the people who have read the first chapter, reviewed and followed. It means a lot. Here's the next chapter and I hope you all really like it. Feel free to leave comments on what you think I always love to hear what your opinions are. Thankyou **_

Let Me Save You

Ziva David presented herself as an emotionless warrior, an Israeli ninja, as a tough strong individual. This had been the result of her training, trained to hide in plain sight, bury the pain, and use whatever means necessary to complete the mission and get the job done regardless of the consequences. Weakness was not tolerated within Mossad, and she was still, technically, Mossad.

Since coming home from Somalia, away from Saleem, she had not forgiven herself for being so weak, and for having ever allowed him to take charge of her, letting him win, admitting defeat herself. So every day she put on her best Mossad smile, her eyes guarded, all so that she didn't have to admit weakness, admit how weak she really was.

This way was better.

Ziva hated her days off, not having a strict schedule meant too many variables could go wrong. There was too many hours in one day. What was she supposed to do? She had no immediate family that she could visit; or would want to for that matter. The team had made their own plans, savouring their first Saturday off in weeks, but to Ziva it meant too long alone with her thoughts.

It was still dark outside when Ziva woke with a start, the moon shining through the gap in her curtains allowing a tiny amount of light to shine through illuminating her well-kept room. Her face was shiny, covered in sweat; one hand was clenched into a tight fist on the edge of her bed, the other under the pillow grasping her gun, finger hovering over the trigger.

She could still see them; images of Somalia in her mind, threatening to break loose again, threatening to take her back; she could feel the blistering heat as if the sun was on her skin, as if she was right back there again; she could hear the sound of his voice, taunting her; she could feel the blade being torn against her skin. She couldn't snap out of it, she was trapped in that cold, empty room, all alone, with no hope. She still wished for death... nothing but death in her heart.

She lay there in the dark, completely still and emotionless. Simply, wanting to erase her memories, erase her past. The seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours. She had no idea how long she had lain there, no movement, no thoughts, no thinking, just nothingness.

The distant knocking of her apartment door brought her out the fugue state that had settled over her. Even then she had no idea how long they had been there before she realised that it was her front door. She just needed to be alone, alone where no one could hurt her; where no one could see just how weak she actually was. But of course, that wish wasn't granted for Ziva.

-xxxxxxxx-

Gibbs had been hovering around Ziva's door for some time right now. He too had had an early start and, after been rudely awakened from the blare of his TV, realised he had fallen asleep whilst working on his boat. It was just after 6:00 am when Gibbs finally arose from the spot he was in- this wasn't good for his back- stretching whilst he got up. He had grabbed his usual coffee, skipped breakfast and started to think about Ziva once more.

That is how he ended up in front of her apartment door after 45 minutes of debating with himself. A call, from a very worried Abby, earlier that morning determined that he had to at least visit her apartment, just to see that she was ok this morning, then he would leave... Much to his dislike, he would leave.

Once again, still very unsure of himself, he started to knock on the door. He started to get worried, he was sure she wasn't coming.

Gibbs knew Ziva's morning schedule by heart, even if she had the day off, she was still up and following a specific routine. Knowing this was because she needed some familiarity in her life, it still made him sad that she felt she had to do that…. all because of him.

Gibbs pushed these horrid thoughts aside quickly, knowing that his temper would begin to rise and Ziva most certainly wouldn't want an angry Gibbs standing at her door. She always awoke at 5:00 am, going for her morning jog in which was following the same trail she had always followed got back at around 5:30, showered and headed for NCIS to be there for 6:00 sharp.

Gibbs was just about to kick her door down when she finally emerged, slowly opening the door, head down. Ziva caught a glance at Gibbs worried, watchful eyes knowing that he was suspicious. Much to his surprise, she didn't seem at all surprise to see him standing there, must be her training.

"Hi Gibbs, how may I help you?" Ziva greeted him, trying very hard to keep her voice steady; her face was neutral and eyes were staring into Gibbs's to show determination, to hide how she was feeling.

Gibbs eyed Ziva up and down, only to be surprised that she looked a mess, still in her sleeping clothes, hair loose, curly with loose strands just sticking out all over the place. It was clear to Gibbs that she hadn't been out of her bed, never mind even being out of the apartment.

When nothing was said, Ziva simply stepped backwards, indicating Gibbs to enter the apartment. Shutting the door behind her, Ziva headed towards the kitchen to make Gibbs a cup of coffee; all the while Gibbs observed his surroundings, surprised at how empty it was, it felt soulless, all but one or two pictures in sight. She had the basics to get through everyday life, but other than that it was empty, just as bad as his was, if not worse.

Not something he expected of Ziva, but then again what was he supposed to expect. The last apartment she had, her boyfriend was shot to death on her carpet by her coworker. He really shouldn't have been surprised. Since Somalia she hadn't had much emotions so why would he expect different for the apartment. The place she was supposed to call home.

Her apartment was simple, it was a studio apartment which meant everything was in open space- something he understood Ziva needed- with two simple adjoining rooms from the living room to the kitchen, and the living room to her bedroom. One picture stood out to Gibbs, set on her bedside table in a simple black frame was a younger version of Ziva, what he presumed to be her little sister Tali whom he has only heard Ziva speak of once, again understanding the pain behind it, and a younger version of Ari. They looked peaceful, happy, and carefree, nothing like now. Eli really had raised her up to be a soulless monster. The sound of her voice startled him.

"Ari was not always a monster, nothing like the man you knew who was nothing like that little boy." Indicating towards the little boy, smiling in the picture. "Eli had taught him to be a monster, I was simply too blinded by the little boy to see it at the time." She continued shaking her head sadly, dropping her gaze, not wanting to seem weak in front of Gibbs, quickly chose to change the topic.

"Here's your coffee" she announced, passing it to him and wandering off towards the couch, indicating Gibbs to follow, feeling self-conscious of him being in her room which clearly showed that she had not been out of bed all morning.

"I apologise for the mess. Would you allow me a minute to, as you Americans would say wash up?" Ziva said, wanting to get out of her disgusting clothes, which she felt was revealing too much, if he looked in specific places he would see the horrible scars which Saleem had inflicted on her. Which she thought that without a doubt Gibbs would spot them. After all nothing got past him.

"It's freshen up Ziver, but no it's fine, I'll wait." Gibbs replied dragging her name out the way he liked to.

Not even 15 minutes later was Ziva making her way back to the couch where Gibbs was sat, silently, peacefully observing the different aspects of her apartment. She had changed into her cargo pants, with a loosely grey long sleeved top that fit around her perfectly, her hair still damp from the shower but was now forming into nice, smooth, wavy strands. She sat herself down on the opposite side of the couch once again wondering why Gibbs had come to her apartment.

They sat in silent for quite some time, she was starting to feel a little bit unsettled, why was he here?

"More coffee?" She settled with, breaking the silence. He simply shook his head and remained silent. Once again this annoyed Ziva, he came to her apartment. Why was he sitting in silence?

"Then what is it that you want Gibbs?" She impatiently questioned "Why is it you are here?" Reaching the end of her tether, she wanted to be alone, needed to be alone. They say actions speak what words can't and normally she liked Gibbs being so quiet, knowing that he was protecting them all without having to actually say it. But right now... all she wanted was to know why he was here, why he felt the need to be here.

Again nothing was said and it was really starting to annoy Ziva. She quickly glanced at her watch- she was surprised at how late it was- staring at her, almost as if it was mocking her. It read 12:32. Where had the morning gone? Trying to mask the confusion and annoyance she looked again at Gibbs when he finally decided to speak.

"Surprised at how late it is Ziva?" He smirked, trying to hide his amusement, obviously she hasn't hid her reaction very well.

"I just didn't know how late it was, I did not realise. I have things I need to" she replied. Yeah... As if she had anything to. She just hoped that he would believe her and leave without a fuss. Even if it was late, she still wanted to go for her jog; it was starting to dawn on her how much she needed the familiar track she ran every morning, seeing the familiar faces that she ran by every morning, each and every face reminding her of the man in the illuminated orange hat. How stupid she had been falling in love with a dead man walking, something she was taught never to do, never get personally involved with a case. How wrong she had got it.

Sensing Gibbs watchful eyes dawn on her, she snapped out of her memories, walking towards the door, opening it whilst standing to the side so that Gibbs could get out. However when she looked Gibbs had not moved an inch from his position from the couch.

"Gibbs, please" sensing the emotion in her voice, a flash of pain washed over his face knowing that he was the cause to making her feel like this. Stood up, slowly walked towards the door, stopping only for a moment to give a quick kiss on her cheek and then he was gone.

The rest of the day just passed by Ziva, she was in a trance, doing things automatically without any thought to it. She has gone for her morning jog even though it was ridiculously late, did her grocery shopping for the weak, cleaned her apartment, cleaned her guns, and then triple checking she had put them back in the right places, she could never be too careful these days.

-xxxxxxxx-

"Gear up" Gibbs voice rang out through the bull pen alerting all the agents from their incessant chatter. "Dead Marine in Norfolk" he continued, sipping his coffee whilst waiting for his team in the elevator. The team were still squabbling while walking into the elevator about who got to drive the truck to the crime scene.

"There is no way you're driving Ziva" Tony's voice getting louder as he neared the elevator. Then Gibbs heard her angel-like voice reach his ears, he almost couldn't help smiling, but managed to suppress it remembering his surroundings.

"Grow a pair Tony. My driving is not that bad, that is how you drive in... Tel-Aviv" her voice faltering at the end of the sentence, her face changing, realising what she had said. Her eyes were glossing over with protection, retreating herself back into the guarded walls she always kept up.

"You can drive Tony" She relented, her voice remaining steady. Tony continued to incessantly talking about the latest movie that had come out, ignoring the obvious mood change of the full team, for the whole ride down.

Ziva remained silent and emotionless retreating back into her shell. All the while Gibbs stealing glances at her knowing, that once again, Ziva was not with them but thinking of the places she didn't want too. A poor McGee stood in the corner looking very awkward, knowing that something was not quite right... Also recognising the looks that Gibbs was giving Ziva. McGee could see... Something in his eyes. However he couldn't quite figure out what the look was.

The ride to the crime scene was slow and painful, Tony didn't seem to notice the obvious tension between the team and therefore carried on talking about the movie he saw just last night. By the time they had reached the crime scene, tensions were running high and they were growing restless. Ziva, who Gibbs had thought had recovered on the ride over, was still doing everything robotically.

The crime scene was small but messy, located down a remote alleyway, ruling out any chances of witnesses. The body was laid out in a simple fashion, back to the floor, with two bullet holes in his chest.

"Through and through - find the bullets Ziva," Gibbs assigned. Tony was assigned to look at any personal items the victim could have had on him.

"Wallet's here, no ID, no cash, could be a robbery gone wrong" he observed.

"Quite the opposite Anthony, he is still wearing his watch, and wedding ring, both of which are very expensive," Dr. Mallard said, "Oh, this reminds me of the time when..." With hearing this sentence all but one person started to tune Dr. Mallard out, concentrating on their crime scene.

The bullets were easily found, bagged and tagged ready for Abby to use. McGee who had got the trusty task of having to search local dumpsters for the gun had come up empty. DiNozzo finished with taking the pictures, ready to for the lab.

Thinking that the crime scene would be nice and simple was something all the agents made the mistake of doing. Out of nowhere, a man dressed in all black- a hoody hiding his face from the rest of the team- jumped from one of the dumpsters, landing right next to Ziva. Before Ziva could even react, the man hit her in the stomach, hard; it broke her out of her trance enough for her to try to catch herself. But as she hit the ground, she hurt her wrist and her gun was knocked out of its holster.

Thinking that this would distract the rest of the team momentarily, the attacker made a run for it down the alleyway. However, him having a little head start didn't stop Ziva from recovering all too fast running after him without knowing that she only had her knife as protection; the rest of the team hot on her tail.

The attacker having a head start meant that the team had all been split up; with no backup, Ziva had run into a series of different alleyways all leading off each other. Now- having no idea where she was, where her team was, or where her attacker was- Ziva decided to stop running and take in the environment she now found herself in. In a narrow alley way, with both ways leading to different alleyways and not remembering which way she had come with all the different corners she had turned. Only when she had stopped, did she finally reach for her gun to discover its absence. Cursing in Hebrew, she reached for her backup gun only to realise that she had left it in the van. Cursing once more, she armed herself with her knife, ninja senses tingling.

Finally she pulled out her cell phone to get in touch with the team, to let them know that she was ok and to help her find her way back to them. Checking to see if she had any missed calls or messages, Ziva realised that she didn't have any signal which meant that she wouldn't be getting in contact at all. Ziva looked up and found a way to get up higher. She thought that perhaps, if she got higher, she could find a signal or see the way back to the crime scene.

But with the adrenaline rush wearing off, she could feel her stomach start to tighten, and her arm and wrist start to ache from where she had braced herself from falling. As a result of this, she found it much more difficult to climb upon the dumpster and up the nearest fire escape which led to the roof of a building. Finally she reached the top of the building; but, still being unaware of where she was, was still on high alert due to her Mossad training. She once again checked her mobile only to see she had full signal. She dialled Gibbs number, only to have it lead straight to voicemail. Trying DiNozzo next, she hoped that he would indeed answer but again had no such luck. Hoping that McGee would answer, he was after all the best at giving directions, Ziva tried once more. McGee answered within the second ring.

"McGee, its Ziva." She stated

"Ziva?" Clearly confused. "Where are y-?"

Having his phone snatched from his hands, unable to finish his sentence, all explained by the angry voice which was now emitting from the phone.

"Ziva, where are you?" A clearly angry Gibbs emitted, but also hearing the subtle concern that was masked away. Warming Ziva's heart by hearing his voice, knife still in her hand, but simply dangling.

"I do not know Gibbs. Standing on a roof somewhere, I had no signal" she groaned, the pain was getting worse in her abdomen. Ziva was finding it harder to breathe and was struggling to tell Gibbs of how she ended up where she was, wherever she actually was. She started thinking that the blow to her stomach caused more damage than she had originally thought, "I saw the suspect, he ran down a series of alleys, but he was too far ahead, I lost him Gibbs. I thought that by climbing on a roof would allow me a bet-" Ziva said, only to be cut off at the end. Gibbs didn't know what was happening, all he heard was that Ziva gasped. Obviously something had taken her by surprise and now there was a series of grunting and what felt like a fight. "MCGEE TRACK THIS NOW" Gibbs bellowed out to him. "Ziva. Ziva." It was no use...

Ziva managed to knock the gun out of her attacker's hand, the murder weapon most likely; her knife was knocked out of her hand and over the edge of the building when she was taken by surprise. Now weaponless, she could only depend on her fighting skills. Ziva continued to fight for control, but she was labouring her left side, trying to protect that part of her body. Pushing the pain away from her wrist, Ziva threw another punch to his face. She could still not see his face, he was keeping it shielded. The attacker evidently thought the best option would be going for the gun, so he dived to the edge of the building where it was and, before Ziva had the chance to get there, had the end of the barrel pointed at her, causing her to surrender. He motioned the gun down to indicate that she was to get down on her knees and hands behind her back.

Still pointing the gun at her, he slowly stalked towards her. When he got to her he tied her hands with metal wire, tightly so that it was digging into her. Ziva then expected him to stop and put a bullet in her brain, but he simply got closer and whispered into her ear, "I'll be back for you, bitch, we're going to have a lot of fun," before kicking her, full force, in the ribs causing distinct snap of her rib; clearly a sign that he broken her rib. The kick caused her to fall to the side. However this time she had no hands to brace herself.

With a sickening sound of her head being smashed against the concrete floor, everything was starting to fade in and out. Ziva could see him walking away, further and further until eventually he was gone. She tried to sit herself upright, but kept falling whenever her vision became blurry. Everything around her was spinning, and the only thing she could hear was the sounds of birds flying ahead of her. The pain intensified, she didn't know how she managed to deal with it; blood was now dripping from her wrists from where the metal was cutting into her from being too tight.

She could hear the distant multiple footsteps, growing faster, growing louder, she knew that she was about to be saved. Saved, she thought, something she should be able to do herself. She could see Gibbs' head emerge from the top of the ladder, quickly scanning the roof before seeing Ziva laying on the floor with blood next to her.

Gibbs' heart was racing a hundred miles an hour, he could only think of the worst. He ran over to her, with DiNozzo securing the perimeter.

All the while the last thing Ziva could remember was her wrists being freed, and herself lifted up into Gibbs arms before giving into the darkness that was threatening to take over. But not before she heard "I've got you Zi, your safe now, your safe" in a whispered, sweet, sultry voice.

As a result of Ziva passing out, Gibbs became very concerned and therefore called an ambulance leaving no choice for Ziva. She was taken to hospital to run tests and to be admitted.

Leaving Ziva to go off in the ambulance unconscious alone burned Gibbs with every fibre of his being. But he had a criminal to catch; someone had to pay, and he was going to give him hell for hurting his Ziva. His Ziva... If only.

Once the ambulance was on its way to Bethesda and he had made sure that they would look after HIS Ziva well; they combed the streets with a fine tooth comb before heading back to the Yard. The team immediately got to work upon their arrival. No one would hurt their Israeli ninja.

Abby was distraught to hear about what had happened, and rushed over to Bethesda to hear the verdict on her best friend. Calling the rest of the team to give news of a broken rib, severe bruising to her stomach, and a sprained wrist, not to mention having to bandage both wounds up from the metal with minor concussion to the head. Giving the good news that Ziva was conscious, and already fighting against having to be held and observed overnight.

Not even an hour later, Gibbs rounded the corner into the bullpen, coffee in hand.

"What have we got?" He asked, in his usual minimum sentences, standing in front of the blank screen. Tony sighed tiredly and leaned on his desk.

"We got nothing boss" DiNozzo dutifully explained. Fearing the consequences of a head slap, remained where he was.

"Everything will be here in the morning, Abby's waiting till tomorrow for something, and is with Ziva right now." McGee chipped in. Both them remained silent expecting an outrage from Gibbs demanding that they better. Instead they simply got;

"Ok, its late, go home. We'll do this in the morning." He announced in a simple calm manner, all the while truthfully, he was dying to go and see her. He had to see for himself that she was ok. Seeing her lying on that roof surrounded by blood, only left him to think of the worse. He knew he wouldn't have been able to handle that, and even though Abby said she was fine, he just had to see it with his own eyes.

The rest of the team scrambled to gather their things, knowing that at any moment Gibbs could simply change his mind. Tony who had planned nothing for the evening knowing that they could possibly catch a case that would keep them it at work until the early hours, decided that he would get a takeout, call Ziva and watch an old classic movie. McGee however, decided to stop by Bethesda, see Ziva and pick up Abby, hoping that she would again spend the night.

Gibbs stayed at the navy yard a little while longer knowing that McGee was going to see Ziva, and quite possibly pick Abby up. Something he was happy with, he always liked Abby when she was with McGee. After shifting through a couple hour's worth of work, Gibbs realised that he had no idea what he had been doing, he would have to redo it all the next day, otherwise preoccupied with the thoughts the beautiful Ziva David. Not being able to wait any longer, he made his way to Bethesda.


	3. Home

So this is the next chapter :) hope you guys like this. Thankyou to those who have reviewed, followed and favourited, it means a lot to me. Don't forget to review at the end ;) enjoy my lovelies.

Gibbs headed straight to the nurses section to find out how Ziva had been doing for the last few hours and to see if there had been any major changes. Speaking with one particular nurse called Kate, who had been the only person completely straight with him.

"Sir, I am nurse Kate. I have been keeping an eye on Ms. David" she introduced

"Gibbs" stretching his hand out to shake. "And it's Agent Ziva David" informing the nurse.

"Yes, of course. Are you aware of the injuries that have been inflicted upon Agent David," She asked, only pausing briefly to see Gibbs subtly nod his head in acknowledgment, "We have placed bandages around her chest to support her, as a result of the broken rib, before she awoke. However when she awoke she wouldn't let us do anything more. She has refused the pain killers and only let us clean the wounds of her wrists but not place them in protective dressing. However she did let us bandage up her wrist once she collapsed causing the wrist to get worse"

"Collapsed?!" Gibbs growled at the nurse

"She is ok, however I don't think she estimated the pain of a broken rib correctly, as well as the bruising she sustained to her stomach, and as a result we think her breathing labored and she collapsed. You may go and see her Agent Gibbs, however if she does not want you there we have to respect her wishes," she finished, "I have to go do my rounds, if you have any questions do not hesitate to ask any of the nurses." Taking her leave once Gibbs gave his thanks.

Thoughts were swirling around in Gibbs mind, why would she not want to see him? Would she kick him out, just like she had the weekend before?

But Gibbs simply didn't care, nothing was going to stop him from seeing her. And if she really did want him to leave, he would respect her wishes. He was now standing outside of the door, room 238, just one step and he would see her, one step and all would be ok.

Again he braced himself for the worse, finally taking a step inside and expecting Ziva to look lifeless, even though he knew it was nothing life threatening. He let out a relieved breath that he didn't even know he was holding when he saw her looking full of life. Nothing different from before, in a peaceful sleep. Or what looked like a peaceful sleep from where he was standing.

But how wrong he was. As he got closer to the bed, he could see that her face was far from peaceful, it looked like she was having an internal war within herself, faced smothered with pain.

Now he was standing directly above her, eying her up and down, inspecting the injuries inflicted upon her. When he was satisfied with the work done, he reached out his hand to touch Ziva's, gently waking her from whatever world she now found herself in. As gentle as he was her eyes snapped open. She reflexively raised her body as much as it would allow in its situation, one hand reaching under the pillow for the nonexistent gun, and the other gripping Gibbs's wrist as tight as she could, her nails digging into his skin. Her eyes were stony, ready for the fight despite her injuries, but if you looked deep into her eyes you could see the fear, the fear that could not always be hidden. But not fear of the "attacker", fear of something else.

Ziva only, finally, relaxed when Gibbs spoke.

"Ziva, its Gibbs. It's me." Ziva's eyes removed the stony guards, removed the fight, but the fear remained buried by the remorse and embarrassment. Finally Ziva sighed, dropping her head back to the pillow, trying to mask the pain it caused. Letting go of his wrist, her expression was apologetic.

"Sorry Gibbs," she mumbled, releasing his wrist. Before her hand landed back on the bed, Gibbs scooped it up and linked his fingers with hers, giving her hand a tight squeeze, causing her heart rate to accelerate. He gave her the Gibbs look of understanding.

"It's okay Ziver," Gibbs said with a smile. He sat down in the chair next to her bed, never once letting go her hand. He may have called it support for her, but in all honesty it was all for himself. He needed to see that she had the usual warmth in her body, the usual fighting spirit that she had, he had to reassure himself that the blood was minor and that he wasn't going to lose her as he had feared.

For the next hour they talked and joked, Ziva's face lit up like Gibbs hadn't seen in a long time. Her expression was light and peaceful, but he could still see the pain she was masking and the fear deep within her eyes.

Throughout the whole conversation they had kept it easy going, nothing serious. Nothing new learned, but it still made his day to see her laugh at his jokes and smile at his idiocy. But one question plagued his mind, covering up all other questions he wanted the answers too. And before he knew it, he couldn't hold his tongue anymore.

"Ziva, I need to know what happened," he finally blurted out, his face full of emotion, he had to know, he needed to know what that bastard did to her. But as soon as the words came out of his mouth he instantly regretted it. Her whole manner changed, she hadn't become rigid, or scared, she just simply became fire. Her whole eyes raged with fire, with hate, etching for revenge. The stubbornness clearly showing through.

"Not now Gibbs, not here," she simply said, eyes once again diverting anywhere but his, searching the whole room. She had retreated back into her protective cage, walls trapping Gibbs out. Silence fell between the two agents, it was now 1:38 am and the fatigue was beginning to dawn on them both.

"Go home Gibbs, I am tired, I want to go to sleep," she finally said, though it was far from the truth, she had no desire to fall asleep, but she knew that he would not leave her awake.

"I'm not going anywhere Ziver. I'm staying right here," he stated, determination showed through his voice. Moving his chair right next to her bed so that it would allow him to lean back but continue to hold her hand, Gibbs became content with his position. However Ziva removed her hand from his without looking to see his expression, turned her back to him, shut her eyes, and hoped that for one night that she would be strong.

She wished that she would make it through the night without the nightmares coming back to haunt her. Tomorrow she would be better, tomorrow she would make it through the day without losing a little piece of herself. She was sure. She laid silently on the lumpy hospital bed, knowing that the rest of the ward was quiet, hearing the gentle snores of Gibbs mouth. She knew that right now she was alone, she just didn't know how to sleep. She didn't know how to close her eyes and simply forget everything, she didn't know how to drift off into deep slumber. All she knew was that right now all she could do was hold on to reality as much as she could. It was only then, only then that the darkness washed over her, sending her into nothingness.

It was only a few hours later when Gibbs awoke from his very short sleep by the sounds of whimpering. Not really taking in what was happening, it took him a while to realize that the sound was coming out of Ziva's mouth. Her whole body covered in sweat, hands gripping the edge of the bed, she started to shake. The sounds getting louder, the shuddering getting worse, the grips getting tighter.

What was going on? His Ziva; his Ziva was not ok. How had he been so blind? Without hesitating, shot himself up and grabbed Ziva's hand gently to wake her, knowing that this time would be worse than the last.

How right he was.

The second her eyes snapped open, she was on the other side of the room, panting, pain evident on her face. But it was her eyes that told the truth. They told a different story, she was not seeing Gibbs, and she wasn't seeing the hospital room.

They were full of fear and death, nothing else. It was clear to him, right as rain now- Ziva David never made it out of Somalia- not as much as he thought she did. Every night she returned to that desert, every night she would feel the heat. And for the first time, Gibbs could truly see that she never made it out. Not fully. Her demons were buried further than he thought- and they made an appearance every night.

Fear had taken over her, all fighting sense that usually lived there had evacuated- and Gibbs couldn't help but flash back to the day in the interrogating room- telling her to finish the story.

_"I had nothing but death in my heart," She had said._

_The guilt in her voice had been tangible, the self-loathing clear, remembering every face of every person that she had killed, she had felt for them and now it was coming back to haunt her. They had been bad people, terrorists, murderers, rapists even; but nonetheless she felt for them._

_Gibbs blamed no one but himself, with his guidance he had taught her that killing was not something that was taken lightly. She had killed the courier to accomplish her goal, but killing everyone in the way was seen as failure to her now. Even if she had killed Saleem it would still have been seen as failure._

_"You never had a choice" he had said, "He didn't give you a choice. He raised you to be a ruthless, soulless killer." He knew even though the words were said that her mind had not been changed._

"_I did not mean to live through it," She'd replied, regret burning deep within her eyes. Her tone had turned apologetic, apologetic that she was sitting across the table from him, alive._

_It was then Gibbs had recognized how sorry she was that she had lived. She had done everything to get herself killed short of doing it herself. To him it was clear that she had not even thought about the possibility of being rescued. She knew that Eli David wouldn't move a finger to have her back, and Gibbs could only guess how that fact had made her feel. He had had his fair share of questionable businesses but, at the end of the day, he always had somebody to make him feel a worthy human being once again. The woman in front of him, on the other hand, had been sent to die by her own father._

_It was then and there that Gibbs had made a vow to never leave Ziva again. Remembering his own pain at finding out she was dead was too much for him to bear, and he was barely living. And when she came back, he felt the hand of God but he never considered the consequences._

_Remembering his next words burned within him, with hearing her response and how she nearly broke down on him. It hurt him, to see his Ziva so ready to die._

Gibbs snapped out of his flashback only to realize that neither of them had moved an inch.

To Ziva, she still couldn't see Gibbs, she couldn't see him staring at her like she was a victim. And for that he was grateful. Gibbs snapped out of his trance, out of his shock, he had to bring Ziva home. Home to him, home to the team, and home to where she belonged. Slowly walking towards the corner she had backed herself into, hands in sight to show her that no harm was coming to her. Now standing directly in front of her, showing determination to bring her back, he clutched onto her arms as if he was falling. She flinched harshly at the touch, but still not there.

"Ziva, come back. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you. Come back to me – please," Gibbs begged gently and at this Ziva's eyes flickered, a hint of recognition flashing through, once again she shuddered, short breathes indicating that the pain was proving to be too much. The memories was proving to be too much.

Ziva was soon back, taking in short, quick breathes for as much as her lungs would allow without causing excessive pain. Sliding down the wall where she was stood, Ziva let go of Gibbs, and, tucking her knees in, tried to hide from the world. Crawling next to Ziva, Gibbs bundled her up into him, causing an array of tears to slip from her eyes.

They stayed just like that for the next half an hour, Ziva simply numb in his arms thinking of the best way to ground herself back to reality.

"Take me home Gibbs," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. Gibbs frowned. He knew he couldn't take her home, not yet, she needed to be observed.

"Please..." she whimpered. Her eyes begging, hurting every fibre of his being, "Please Jethro."

The use of his name was the turning point, he knew he couldn't keep her here.

Gibbs lifted her up in a bridal lift and placed her gently on the bed before making his way out of the room to go sign her out and get her personal effects back. He had to use the badge to get it done, but he did it.

Once Ziva was dressed and presentable they left the hospital with Ziva leaning into the side of Gibbs and him supporting a lot of her weight. He knew that that night had overdone her body. Knowing that she was going to refuse the wheelchair out of the hospital, he once again picked her up into a bridal lift and walked her out of the place she sincerely hated.

He gently placed her in the passenger after ignoring her attempts of arguing that she could walk, made his way to the driver's seat, and was on his way home. The whole ride was sitting with a comfortable silence, neither wanting to talk about what just happened but knowing that neither could avoid it for long.

Ziva who was once again in her own little world, watching as objects flew past them was pulled out of her head by the announcement of Gibbs telling her that they were home.

Searching for her road and apartment building, only to realize that they were on a quiet street filled with family homes. "This is not my home Gibbs," She bluntly said, showing no emotion, everything really had got too much for her.

"Did you really think that I would leave you alone? After that?" Gibbs said, clearly hinting at the nightmare. This time the determination was in Gibbs's eyes and with that Ziva knew that there was no way to get out of it.

Accepting that she had no choice, she followed him into his home just a little before 5:00am. She had only been in Gibbs house twice. Both of them not good experiences.

Ziva did not want to go to sleep, knowing that if she was sent to do so she would just lay awake, trying to keep the demons at bay. But Ziva was quite grateful when Gibbs announced that he was going to make breakfast and that she was welcome to join him.

Only after Ziva hurt herself trying to help Gibbs did she sit down and watch him do all the work.

"Stay" he growled, pointing at her rather comically, "You're gonna hurt yourself more David. And I don't want any more surprises from you tonight," he finished, causing Ziva to blush intensely.

Carefully sinking back into the chair that Gibbs had provided for her, trying to avoid any movements that may cause difficulty for her ribs, Ziva started to observe Gibbs. His back was faced towards her, giving her a clear view of everything she found hot. Her eyes scanning up and down his body, looking over his strong structure, inappropriate thoughts appearing in her head.

Ziva quickly looked away when she noticed Gibbs was making a move. Unfortunately for her, he had already noticed and gave her a nice satisfying smirk.

"See something you like Ziver," Gibbs teased, his eyes playful, obviously trying to change the mood from what it was.

"Yeah..." Her eyes dancing, a smirk creeping onto her face, "The food looks delicious." She chuckled at the narrow escape she managed.

This also caused Gibbs to chuckle, creating a nice, calm environment. He placed the food in front of her as well as himself and didn't wait for her to start before starting himself.

They sat in silence, both enjoying the much needed food after the previous day. Gibbs was the one to break the silence first.

"Make yourself comfortable here Ziva." Confusion rippled through her as she lifted her head to look at Gibbs. He remained silent, until realization set within Ziva. She was being seated...benched...sidelined...Whatever it was. She was not to go into work today. She was to spend the day... The whole twelve hours, alone, until Gibbs returned to her that night.

"Gibbs..." She knew it was a futile effort. Wouldn't make any difference but none the less she tried. "I cannot stay here, this is your home. I shall do er… desk work, yes? Or perhaps go back to my apartment?"

"No Ziva, you're injured, you are..." Hesitating, knowing the words he was about to speak would have serious repercussions. However the hesitation caught Ziva's attention, she knew what he was about to say and became stiff... Guarded. "You are to stay here tonight." Deciding that these words were safer than the other. Gibbs didn't miss the surprise in her eyes before they were quickly hidden with nothing. Her usual guarded eyes had come back. The walls had come back up. How easy it was for them to make their appearance compared to how long it took for them to be lowered just an inch.

By now both of them had finished their breakfast, Gibbs plate wiped clean whereas Ziva's was still half full, obviously he had put her off appetite. Quickly washing both plates up before announcing that he was going to get ready for work.

Only 15 minutes later Gibbs was descending the stairs, showered, fresh clothes and ready to leave for the day. Ziva had not moved from her spot, quite happy with being able to look out the window, keeping her demons at bay.

"You can go in the shower Ziva. I suggest you get out of them clothes too." Pointing at the state they were in. Ziva who was about to point out the fact that she had no clothes that she could change into had her question answered. "I have laid out some of my own clothes in the bathroom, which you can wear whilst you wash them ones" smirking at the surprise he had once again inflicted upon Ziva. "And I will get Abby to stop by your apartment today to bring you some clothes. She may have restrained by leaving last night, but she will come by tonight Ziver." He finished, making his way to the door, whilst Ziva stood herself up with the concerned look of Gibbs staring at her.

Now both of them stood in front of the door, as if husband and wife saying goodbye for the day. "Make yourself at home!" Smiling down to her. With the simple nod of her head, and a smile that reached her eyes locking onto his own.

Once Gibbs was out of the door, the same thought was running through her mind. _"I'm already at home"._ No matter how irrational, around him she would always feel at home and yet she knew that her boss would never feel the same. But that never stopped the thoughts creeping back into her mind. If only she knew how wrong she really was.

Deciding to follow Gibbs's order of showering and washing her clothes. She made her way to the spare bathroom, noticing the closed door of the bedroom that no one had seen in many years. She couldn't help but wonder what was behind those closed doors, what Shannon's and Gibbs's bedroom was like. She always understood Gibbs's bond to Shannon and understood that no one would ever take that away from him like his ex-wives had tried. It was a part of him, she understood that.

Continuing her way to the bathroom, she noticed the folded up towel for her and the pile of clothes next to it. Having a long hot shower not caring the heat of it was like spikes attacking her skin. She needed to get the dirt of him off of her, she needed to get the stench of hospital off of her. She needed to get everything off of her.

Finally clambering out of the shower, she changed into the oversized clothes that belonged to the man she longed for, her boss. Smiling at the fact that they smelt like him, it was as if he was stood right next to her.

She put her clothes in the wash, cleaned the kitchen to her satisfactory, it was the least she could do. Then moving to look at his choices of books, decided that she could pass some of the time by reading. Once she was bored with the book as it was not distracting her well enough. She made her way down the basement, a place she felt safe, a place she loved but also a place she hated, the place she killed her half-brother, but the place she realized she loved the sliver haired fox, then place she was saved.

She poured herself a drink, sat herself down on the stool with her back leaning against the boat. The new boat. Obviously he had finished the other and somehow got it out of her there. She didn't have to do anything. She just sat there, feeling the most peaceful and at home as she had since she had gotten rescued from Somalia.


	4. Try

The day didn't go well for team Gibbs. He was in a bad temper since they still didn't have anything... No leads, no names, no suspects, nothing. Not even the victims wife. And as a result, Tony received more head slaps than any other day, and McGee got yelled every hour. Also to Abby's dislike she didn't receive any caf-pow's or kisses to the cheek.

Gibbs was to go home - empty handed - when all he wanted was to be able to tell her that he had sorted it. That the guy had paid the price, but no. He knew that there would be no stopping her coming into work the next day, one day was bad enough for her. He would have to restrict her to desk work. That look in her eye, the fire that flooded through her was not something that could be released unto him. It would only end up worse for her.

To make matters worse, he would have to go home and get the story out of her. Find out what happened on the roof whilst they were alone and why she was the one that ended up with the injuries.

It was late when his voice rang out across the bullpen, allowing them to go home. he had them working all day, not even 30 minutes for lunch was allowed. Now at 10.30pm, he had decided enough was enough. They weren't going to get anything and he knew that he had been a pain in the arse.

He stayed just a little while longer, not wanting to go home and disappoint the woman who believed in him a little too much. But he wanted to see her none the less. So he made sure all his duties were done and headed on home where for once, he had a woman waiting for him. One he liked dearly.

-xxx-

He crossed the threshold to his house not knowing if Ziva would still be there. Sure enough he thought he was right, she wasn't in sight. But before he could get disappointed, her angelic voice rang out to him. "I'm in the kitchen Gibbs".

Which set Gibbs on the course to the kitchen with a curious mind. The smell of steak drifting to him. "I thought that since you made me breakfast, I could make dinner. Yes?" Her voice sultry, distracting him. This meant that his expression remained blank, concerning her. "If you do not want steak, I could.. Er.. Make something else? She continued, her face humorous.

She still had his oversized clothes on, however the jogging bottoms had kept falling down as a result of being too big which only frustrated her. Therefore she decided that the top was long enough to pass as a dress but left some scars showing - but since she was on her own she did not mind. Which she now realised was a mistake.

Something snapped inside of him, maybe it was her facial expression changing at her realisation. However he saw the change, and almost cursed for staring at her. But she had taken him by surprise, with what she was wearing, it showed Gibbs how beautiful she really was, leading him to having a hard time keeping his thoughts under control.

"No, steak is fine, you didn't have to do.. This" pointing at all food. However all Ziva saw was the mess she had made. This was not going according to plan... For either of them.

"I will clean up the mess. I am sorry." Now clearing feeling embarrassed, looking down, trying to the scars on her legs by pulling his top down. She should have gone home when she had the chance.

"Hey" lifting her head up with his finger, so that her dark eyes were now burning into his own. "It's ok" now grabbing both of her hands to stop them from hiding the things she hated most. "It's ok". he repeated, to show that he meant more than the mess that she had made.

They stayed there for just a few more seconds before Ziva realised that the food was about to burn unless she got it plated up. She quickly turned from Gibbs and scooped up the pan, turning the oven off, and started to serve their steaks and chips. All the while Gibbs got two bottles of beer for them both to have and sat down at the table, waiting patiently for the food to come.

She placed both plates onto the table and ran off, shouting as she went that she would return in just a moment. Much to Gibbs disappointment, she returned with his jogging bottoms on, with her holding them up as she made her way towards him. She sat herself next to him, their chairs almost touching. Something Gibbs did when she quickly went. The closer to her, the better.

They passed the small talk that they both thought as necessary, but they both had questions that needed to asked and answered. But both enjoying the presence of each other and not wanting to ruin it. However, the more they didn't talk about it, the more the atmosphere changed. The conversation was pointless, the smiles were forced and the laughs were fake. Something she thought would be impossible with a one on one setting with Gibbs.

"This is delicious Ziver." he announced, cutlery rattling against his empty plate. "I didn't know you could cook" he continued, still delightfully surprised by the meal. He loved learning new things about Ziva, something he wouldn't admit.

"Yes. I love to cook. I did a lot of it... Before." only hesitating slightly, brushing off whatever would normally come. "I did it whenever I had the time, I have not done it recently. I am glad to have made this. I did not realised I missed it." briefly looking at Gibbs, who had his undivided attention on her. She popped the last chip in her mouth. "I gave myself a little too much. I am very full" she chuckled. Standing up a little too fast, causing her to stumble. She brushed Gibbs wavering arms off, chuckling once more. "I am not yet used to the broken rib, the bandage is a little tight." she continued making her way with both plates to the sink, running the water so that she could clean up.

All the while Gibbs remained seated, staring at her, watching as her bottoms were falling further and further down her bum, but before they completely went, she quickly yanked them up, carefully avoiding the bandaged wrists. He continued listening to every word that emitted from her mouth. That was a voice that he would never get sick of hearing, no matter what the words meant, her voice was like an angel to him. It was beautiful to him.

"How are your injuries" causing her to turn, but before the words came from her mouth, he continued. "And I don't want to hear the words I'm fine." giving her a cocky grin before she turned to finish washing the pots.

"It hurts... a little... nothing i cannot handle" she quickly added. She honestly could, it was nothing major, a few stings here and there, constant aching, and trouble breathing sometimes. But nothing she couldn't handle. Nothing he needed to worry about.

He was about to say something, words were forming, mouth was about emit words, but she beat him to it. Not wanting to dwell too much on her injuries. "What about the case, have you made any progress?" she questioned, you could almost hear the hope in her words. This was a topic however he did not want to get onto. How was he to explain to her that they hadn't got anywhere, not one single lead, not even a false lead, nothing.

"Nothing, we have nothing" his said, angrily. Thus causing Ziva to drop the pot in the bowl, making a loud clatter and spraying water all over her t-shirt. Raising concern in Gibbs.

"Sorry... It is difficult to do this with one hand. And not get the bandage wet." explaining herself, hoping that he would not read too much into it.

It wasn't that she was scared, she wasn't. She just wanted to know who he was, he made it personal, he made it feel like she wasn't in control anymore, he brought up memories, memories she swore she would never think of, memories that were buried deep. It made her mad, made her angry, to think that someone like him could bring it all back.

She could now feel Gibbs behind her, leaning beside her so close that she could feel the heat that was radiating off him, grabbing her good hand out of the bowl, locking his fingers with his own - indicating that she left the cleaning alone - all the while he cupped her face with his other hand, averting her gaze into his eyes. They remained stood, in silence, their actions speaking a thousand words, words that neither of them dared utter. Their breaths mingled into one, feeling them against one another, alerting thoughts, raising goosebumps. She could have sworn she saw him flicker his eyes to her lips and back to her eyes, making her heart skip a beat. Then dragged her into the living room, where they both sat on the sofa, sat opposite each other but neither letting each others hand go.

"What happened Ziva? That night, I need to know, it may help with the investigation" Gibbs said, breaking the peaceful silence. Neither seeing how the other really felt.

"Ok... I had just found the bullets, bagged them, then I was going to take pictures of where I found them, just in case. I was next to the dumpster. I don't know where the... guy came from. Don't know why I didn't anticipate it." She stopped momentarily to ponder, but she knew, she knew. She wasn't really concentrating on the crime scene, she knew that. And as a result someone got the drop on her. "Stupid mistake." she chuckled, smiling to Gibbs who lay concerned eyes on her, trying to show him that she was ok. "Obviously you know what happened next, he hit me... hard in the stomach, causing me to fall, that is where I hurt my wrist" she continued, raising her sprained wrist to show the first injury. "That is where my gun must have fallen... Did someone pick it up?" once again stopping, wanting to know the mystery of the gun.

"Yes. DiNozzo's got it for you back at base. I believe it is in your draw, as is your knife and back-up. Need to know why you didn't have those." he finished smirking, knowing that it would annoy her.

Shaking off the annoyed look she got, she always did hate him going through her stuff. Nodding before she continued. "I saw him running, so... of course... I ran after him. I thought you were all behind me. I lost him" her voice turning bitter. "Too many turns, so I stopped and that is when I realised you were not behind me. I tried to draw my gun, that is when i realised I did not have it" her voice once again ashamed.

"Why didn't you use your back-up?" He questioned, wanting to know how this... guy won the fight.

"My back-up was in the van. I did not pick it up. Again... Stupid mistake" once again her voice turning bitter, chuckling to herself. if only her mind was with her that day, things would have turned out a lot differently. She would have remembered to pick the gun up, she would have sensed him, would have had the back up she needed. Shaking it off again, she continued. "That is when I realised he hit me harder than I initially thought, so I tried to call the team after I armed myself with my knife. But I had no signal." Luck really wasn't on her side that day. "Once I made the roof, I cleared it - at least I thought I did. I rang you, Tony but neither answered." Guilt now rising in Gibbs. He knew he should have stayed with her, he knew that she wasn't really their that day, and yet he left her. The continuation of her voice caught his attention once more. "McGee answered, then I spoke to you. Well you know what happened." her eyes bore into his, she could see the guilt. "It was not your fault Gibbs" she exclaimed, hoping that it would help.

"What happened? I could only hear." now annoyed, annoyed at him, annoyed that he wasn't there.

"Do you need to know?" the look on his face answered everything. Sighing once, she continued. "he took me by surprise - again - he kicked me, in the same place as before, my knife went off the building. A few punches were thrown, I blocked them, he blocked mine. He was good Gibbs. That was when he drew his gun, he obviously wanted the upper hand. Yes?" continuing when he nodded his head, trying to keep his facial expression neutral. "I kicked it out his hand, landed near the edge. I was trying to protect my weak side, it was getting hard to... breathe" pausing, ashamed of the announcement. She continued without looking at Gibbs. "I threw a punch to his face, he kept it shielded. That is when he must have thought the gun was the better option. I realised only seconds too late. He had it in his hands, the barrel of the gun faced at me." Stopping when she saw Gibbs's screw up with anger, his hands tightening around her own. "Do you really need me to continue?" she questioned.

Gritting his teeth, he nodded. "He told me to get on my knees, hands behind me, he tied them... with something, tight. I could feel like them cut into me as I fidgeted. I thought he was going to shoot me... he didn't... he kicked me again, that is when he broke my rib." Pausing to look at Gibbs leaving a specific part, she was not going to tell him, Gibbs was angry enough, and sure enough anger evident all over his face, revenge itching in his eyes. "I had nothing to brace myself with, I couldn't stop the fall." Again looking down, ashamed that he beat her. "I saw him walk away, then my vision was fading... going... I heard footsteps. I knew it was you... the team." she concluded. Searching in his eyes, he knew something had been missed. Something was not said.

"That's everything? That it?" His eyes burning into hers, he knew, he knew something had been left out. What he didn't know was what? What wouldn't she tell him?

"Yes Gibbs, that is what happened" her voice strong, determined, never wavering as his eyes continued to burn into her own.

"What aren't you saying Ziva" his voice relaxed, his touch loosening, his thumb running circles over hers. Making her feel calm, distracting her from the task at hand.

"Nothing, that is all that happened. Is that not enough? Did you expect more?" she said, her voice struggling to keep the anger out. Her words hit home.

"I am your boss, Ziva" his authority shining through. "I know you are holding something back" he continued. Only realising what he said, when it was a little too late.

At this, she tore her hand out from his, his words had hurt her. It had caused her to go back into her cage. She opened up, and he pushed her back, he pushed her hard as well. Boss. How could he be so stupid. She cooked him a lovely meal, she was staying at his, they had shared looks, held hands. And he said boss. Stupid.

"I wrote the official report of what happened. It is on the table and a sketch of the attacker... Sir" her voice like venom, but she was now playing her role. Agent David. She hit her blow as well - Sir - she got his message loud and clear. That's when it dawned on him, she didn't have to open up and tell him what happened. She chose too, he could have just read the written report. Stupid. He was so stupid.

Gibbs watched as Ziva stood up, her face a mixture of placid and disappointed.

"I think I should go," Ziva finally said, she sounded more disappointed than anything now. Gibbs felt conflicted. He wanted to tell her to stay, to stay with him; but after what just happened, he knew he'd blown it and any request for her to stay would result in retaliation.

None of this was shown on his face, it was the same, passive gaze he normally had.

For some reason that infuriated Ziva, and for once it showed on her face. Anger twisted her normally stoic features, tears marred the edges of her eyes.

"I've used up enough of my boss's generosity for a time," Ziva said, her voice choking on "boss". Gibbs stood up, his expression changing from passive to sorrowful.

"Please," he said so very softly and quietly. That was all he got out before Ziva broke. The tears spilled down her cheeks as she tried to stop her cries.

There was no more time, Gibbs found, for concern. No time for thinking. HIS Ziva was in pain and he was the cause of it.

He grabbed her good hand once more and put his other hand on the back of her head. He leaned his head down and placed his forehead on Ziva's. Now wasn't the time for romance, he knew, now was for comfort and support and apologies.

"Ziva... my Ziva, I'm so sorry," Gibbs mumbled, just loud enough for Ziva to hear him, "I should have followed you, I should have been there for you, I should have been able to stop all of what happened, I should be able to stop your pain and protect you from your nightmares, I shouldn't have said what I did, and I should be perfect Ziva. I should be perfect for you Ziva, because that's what you deserve. You deserve no less than that."

"N-no Jethro," Ziva cries. She pulled away from him a bit and Gibbs was afraid that she was going to rebuke him for not acting "like her boss". But she surprised him.

"It is I who does not deserve you," she finishes, almost in a whisper, "I try so hard to. I try to be the perfect agent. I try to deserve you... but there is nothing that I can do that can balance out what I did in the past."

"Ziva, you don't need to try."


End file.
